3^rd Installment
by Deb Staples, Editor & Publisher

1)      I REPEAT… DON’T REPEAT

Too often, one of the biggest problems a manuscript will have is repeating.  Whether it’s starting sentences with the same word; the over-use of words such as “well,” “um,” “though,” “whenever,” “even,” “therefore,” “wherefore,” ; using “said” after all dialogue; or using the same sentence structure: these are all pitfalls that every writer has to watch out not to fall into.

Examples of Repeating:

a)      He looked up into the sky.  He stretched his arms.  He looked toward the door.

b)      “Well, I… um… I can’t imagine, um...I… well… what can we do?

c)      “How are you doing that?” he said.

“I’m making it move with my mind,” she said.

“I want to give it a try,” he said.

           d)  Walking to the door, he opened it and peered outside.  Looking out, he didn’t
                see anything.  Peering closely, he noticed a light was out at the end of the hall.

         Now, as always, there are exceptions to these rules.  Sometimes you may choose to
         repeat something to make a point, or to build tension.  Just be careful that you don’t
         abuse that and repeating can be a very effective tool. 

2)      FIRST AND LAST NAMES

Another pet peeve for me is after someone introduces a new character and they use both their first and last names throughout the story.  Again, there may be a particular purpose for this – your character may be foreign or an alien and that is how they speak.  But otherwise, there is no need to use both the first and last names over and over within a story.  This does pertain to the repeat rule.  But more than that, it says to your reader that you don’t think they are smart enough to remember the last name of a person; and it’s just plain annoying.  If you have a problem with two characters who have the same first name, as in real life, you need to find a better way to distinguish between the two characters when explaining who are they are.  You could use a Number 1 and Number 2 deal; a big John or little John thing; or give one or both of them a nickname. And if none of those seem to work, change one of your character’s names (with the exception of nonfiction work, of course).

3)      DON’T SAY IT – SHOW IT

Unless you are writing a script, where your actors need to know HOW something is said, a writer needs to SHOW us how something is done instead of telling us outright.  This applies in two areas:

a)      First, in dialogue, there is no need to tell us how a person is speaking if you’ve already made it obvious within the dialogue itself:

Example:  “Mandy, oh my God, get away from him!” she said, scared for her.. 

Simply eliminate the “scared for her” part, since the dialogue has made that fact obvious to your reader.

                         b)  Use your characters’ ACTIONS to tell us more about them, instead just  telling us.
                        Example: He was cautious and particular, needing everything in its place.

                        A better way to show us this would be something like:

                        He stood before the mirror and combed his hair, adjusted his tie  just so, then buttoned his jacket, the same as he did
                       every morning.  One more look at the clock before taking his coat off the coat rack and he was
                        ready to go – right on schedule.

     As always, there may be times when it’s better to tell us instead of show us, but its
     best to keep this in mind as a general rule.

4)      HE SAID/SHE SAID

One of the things that was pounded into me in my first writing class was that using “said” after dialogue is usually better than using anything else.  Words such as “yelled,” “whispered,” “explained,” “told,” etc., can often be distracting and unnecessary.  My only real exception to this rule would be in someone is asking a question or obviously yelling… then you could use “she asked” or “he yelled.”  Try not to get fancy and use words like “proclaimed” or “shouted” too often.  This is part of the “Don’t Repeat” rule, but it also follows the “Show – Don’t Tell” rule; where you don’t need to use those fancier words if you’ve told us enough in the dialogue itself.

Example:  “Don’t go over there, Rachel!” he screamed. “I need to check the locks first.”  (changed “screamed” to said or eliminate that all together)

You can also eliminate many of the “he said/she said” phrases in general, as long as you make sure that your readers know who is speaking.  This especially pertains to when only 2 people are speaking; you only need to tell us who is speaking every now and then.

Example: Brad walked up to Cindy.  “I love you, you know,” he said.

                Cindy put her arms around Brad.  “I never doubted that for a second,”
                 she said.      <- there is no need for the he said or she said here, both because the rest of the sentence told us this, and because only 2 people are speaking

5)      DASHES

Oh, this pet peeve is a big one for me.  Dashes are tricky.  I personally tend to over-use them myself, so I’m very careful about them. 

For this one, I feel I should reiterate the basic rules on when to use a dash – taken from The Elements of Grammar by Margaret Shertzer*:

a)      Use a dash to indicate an abrupt change in a sentence

Example: “He said you would be, but—Omigod!”

b)      Sometimes a dash is used to set off interpolated and explanatory matter

Example: She admired their acquisitions – the artwork, the wine, the occasional tan.

c)      Use a dash to indicate a sudden break in a sentence

Example: After promising she’d stay in touch – a promise she had every intention of ignoring – Scout hung up the phone and threw it back into her bag. 

d)      A dash may be used to set off a long phrase in apposition, particularly when a phrase is punctuated with commas.

Example: Something about his smile did seem vaguely familiar, but
      his eyes – the color of glass – cool, opaque, unfathomable – were
      those of a stranger.    

e)      A pair of dashes may be used instead of parenthesis.

Example: Why, for the last few years, she’d felt like one of those migrating birds – the ones with the little magnetic particles in their heads. 

As always, try not to over-use dashes, as they can become quite distracting:  Especially when nearly every sentence in your dialogue ends with a dash because a character never gets to finish speaking or another character may pause a lot in their speech and use dashes constantly.  Variety is the key to more interesting writing (and reading).

NOTE:  I do realize that often in real life, people repeatedly break into each others’ sentences when they talk, but when you read that on paper, with all those dashes or triple dots, it becomes distracting.  So try to eliminate that as much as you can in your writing.

* The examples are from Scent of the Roses by P.G. Forte

6)      KEEP A WRITING JOURNAL

This is not a pet peeve, but I thought it was important to mention it anyway. 

When I was in college, one of my professors asked the class to start a writing journal.  This journal wasn’t where we would write our stories, or even our ideas for stories.  It was a journal we would keep with us whenever we read someone else’s work.  There, we would write down phrases, descriptions, meaningful dialogue… basically anything that struck out at us as unique, interesting or powerful writing.  Try this.  You’ll be amazed at the gems you’ll find.  I still have mine and I enjoy looking it over now and then.  And one day I hope to be in someone else’s writing journal <smile>.